Falling out of love& falling in love: do we have no control over our feelings at all?

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When it comes to love, many things still seem inexplicable. Why do we fall out of love in a relationship? And vice versa: why we so often can’t let go, even though someone is not good for us? Psychology has a pretty plausible answer here.

  1. ·
    Video: If you ask him THESE 20 questions, you will fall in love!
  2. · The 2 phases of love: infatuation and familiarity
  3. · Being familiar does not mean the end of love
  4. · Why do people still fall out of love?
  5. · Lovesickness: When you want to fall out of love but can’t
  6. · What helps to fall in love?
  7. · Newly in love, but unhappy: What helps??

There is that painful moment when you have to admit to yourself that a love is over. Anyone who has been in a relationship for a long time may have already experienced it. At some point you wake up and realize that love has become something else. Friendship, mere sympathy or maybe even indifference and antipathy – in any case no more love. What exactly happens when THAT one person becomes one among many without us wanting it to happen??

At the same time, there are moments in life when we wish we would fall out of love as soon as possible, for example, because the love is not mutual and we suffer from lovesickness. And regardless of whether it’s loving or falling out of love: Both seem to happen to us just like that, without us having any influence on it. Or maybe it is?

Video: If you ask him THESE 20 questions, you will fall in love!

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The 2 phases of love: infatuation and familiarity

Love is the most beautiful feeling in the world and at the same time the most mysterious one. In order to understand it better, we must first know the phases of love. Psychology distinguishes between two aspects of love: Firstly, there is what we primarily associate with love, namely the feeling of being in love and passionate love. On the other hand there is also companionate love. It arises over time from the feeling of deep familiarity with the partner.

The change from the initial infatuation phase to the calmer phase of deeper love and familiarity is a completely normal process, as psychology professor Lars Penke explained in an interview with the health portal Onmeda.de explains. At the beginning of a relationship we step on the gas mightily. We want to convince the other person about us and take him by storm.

Everything is still uncertain and this is exactly what this initial infatuation in a relationship lives from. The great insecurity and the longing for a reciprocation of our feelings. Wooing for the affection of the other person is above everything else. One is completely fixated on this one person.

And, of course, this strong feeling that sends us into a frenzy-like state of emergency eventually wears off as soon as you get to know each other better and are sure of the other person’s feelings. Then the infatuation gives way to a deeper feeling:"Ideally, passionate love turns into a deeper commitment. Partner becomes more reliable, predictable, a safe haven," explained Lars Penke.

Being familiar does not mean the end of love

Many people confuse this second phase of love, in which everything is no longer intoxicating, but in which everyday life also sets in, with the end of love. They equate this quieter type of love with dwindling feelings. But this is wrong, because all this is a completely normal process. Because we couldn’t stay in the state of intoxication of the beginning forever, because it simply takes us completely apart physically and mentally.

When exactly this change of feelings takes place varies from couple to couple. Many couples can maintain the initial tension longer than others. Whether it’s because they’re taking their space, because they’re trying extremely hard, because they’re in a long-distance relationship or whatever. The only thing that is certain is that the change will come – sooner or later.

Why do you still fall out of love??

But what if this deep feeling becomes too companionable or even fades away completely?? What is behind it when love is suddenly gone?? The answer of the psychologist sounds rather pragmatic. Lars Penke sees the model of the monogamous relationship as a kind of cost-benefit calculation. If the calculation is no longer right for one of the two, he will possibly draw the consequences from it. "If you have the feeling that you can no longer rely on your partner, you no longer benefit from the relationship, the cost-benefit calculation is negative."

A very important factor, which has to be right for both of them, is the trust factor. If this is lost, for example, because one person hides things from the other, lies to him or cheats, this can weaken the relationship massively. And the disappointed partner in turn will also look at his cost-benefit calculation and ask himself what he still has from the relationship.

Heartbreak: When you want to fall in love, but can’t

If the relationship is in trouble, however, not everyone separates. Emotionally unstable people often remain in a partnership because they are afraid of being alone. And they do not find it illogical at all. "They do not fall out of love, but with them the love turns into an anxious-ambivalent form of attachment: They do not really trust the other person anymore, but they hold on to the relationship."

And even if one separates of necessity, because the relationship makes so no more sense, one can steer its feelings only badly. If you want to fall out of love because you are suffering, it is usually just as difficult as falling in love. The feelings do what they want. They are simply still there, no matter how much you wish you could let go of them.

What helps to fall in love?

Lars Penke says about this:"If you still love your partner after the breakup, it is usually because the familiarity is still there. You still believe that you can rely on him."

In order to actively fall out of love, you have to detach yourself from this familiarity. And that is by thinking more about what was negative in the partnership. In this way, one reinforces one’s own doubts about the relationship and this ultimately helps to break up.

"But if you can’t get away from your ex-partner very well, it often has to do with the fact that you don’t see any alternatives for yourself: You believe that you have no chance of finding a new partner." And there’s only one thing that helps: getting positive feedback, e.g. from your partner.B. when flirting with a new acquaintance, to realize: there are alternatives.

Newly in love, but unhappy: What helps??

Even without a relationship, feelings are not always easy to deal with. How often are we in love and totally hooked on our partner – but he or she withdraws and remains cold?. Even at this early stage of infatuation, we have a hard time showing our feelings the stop signal. We prefer to lie to ourselves and tend to interpret every little signal of our object of desire as feelings and interest. Every little morsel he throws at us is eagerly absorbed. Stupid only: So we prolong our suffering unnecessarily.

But even here we wake up at some point, as Lars Penke told Onmeda.de explains. He compares the feeling of being in love with the flow experience that some people know from computer games:"The appeal is that the level of challenge is perfect: you are challenged, you have to make an effort, but you also feel a sense of achievement because you receive encouraging signals."

As long as the other person is playing along, we are eager to get on with it. However, if the other person gives us nothing back, no kindness, no flirting signal, nothing, we automatically give up on being in love at some point. To escape the heartbreak and reorient yourself as soon as possible, one thing helps here too: flirt and fall in love again.

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