Everything will be different with the next partner, we think – and then we look for the same disaster specimen in pure form. Why is that? Why do some women always seem to have a talent for falling for the wrong man??
- · Prey scheme: The search for the hook
- · Learned relationship patterns
- · Negative experiences that shape us
- · Recognize patterns
- · Putting the wrong ones under the microscope
- · The similar copy man
- · Familiar drama
- · Keep your eyes open
- · Breaking the vicious circle
Tips for finding the right partner for life and love are a dime a dozen. They are mostly as numerous as useless. One of them says, for example, that you only have to kiss a certain number of frogs because, as a rule, after the twelfth frog, the dream person will finally be standing in front of you. Unfortunately, such wisdom usually only works in fairy tales. Especially when women always follow the same prey pattern – and fall flat on their face all the time.
How is it that the potential life partners we meet in life all too often turn out to be losers?? Nobody can be that unlucky. There must be something else behind it.
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Prey pattern: the search for the hook
So is there a pattern behind it and do we perhaps unconsciously choose partners who don’t suit us at all? Before we go in search of Mister or Misses Right, we should first start with an analysis with ourselves. We should ask ourselves why exactly our previous relationships failed and what was the catch.
Let’s take a random friend of whom the circle of friends claims that she is actually a great woman after all. Let’s call her Bella. Bella is attractive and lovable, so she’s really no less than other women. Nevertheless, as a good friend, you have to realize that Bella keeps falling for men who are not good for her and actually don’t fit her at all. The kind of men who will never make you happy. Unfortunately, this well-intentioned knowledge about their Beuteschema Bella helps very little. She says love has little to do with reasoning. If it sparks, then it can be neither controlled nor explained.
Learned relationship patterns
The good news for Bella: We do have an influence on our happiness in love. If we always fall for the wrong person, there is often a relationship pattern behind it that we have usually carried around with us since childhood. And now we should question this more closely. Because often the chosen one is not the problem at all, but simply our pattern, according to which we lead relationships. Too close, too distant, too open, too introverted: How we behave in a partnership, what our relationship to closeness and distance is, is already decided in childhood.
Of course, the experiences we make in the course of life, our relationships, our social environment also shape us. But in the first three years of our lives, we are significantly influenced by our parents – and this lays the foundation for life, for our way of being with other people.
Also read: Here is an overview of all relationship tests: How’s your relationship doing?
Negative experiences that shape us
Ultimately, we unconsciously repeat in our lives and in our relationships what we experienced and were modeled as small children. Unfortunately also the negative experiences. Those who were taught separation and quarrels or intimacy and affection as a child will unconsciously bring this into their later relationships. If you are a child of divorce, you might look for a security in a partnership that you never knew before. And those who had a difficult relationship with their father may look for something in the men in their lives that can compensate for this.
A tense relationship to closeness and distance, protective mechanisms out of fear of being hurt or abandoned, or the difficulty of trusting the other person and opening up – all this can result from fears we experienced in childhood.
And they can ultimately turn us into relationship neurotics without us even realizing it. Because it’s almost always about the issues of closeness and distance, trust, dominance and subordination when we fail at a relationship. Hardly anyone actually breaks up because of the wrong political views or a bad style of clothing.
About their Mr. In order to find the right partner, Bella has to recognize the pattern she follows in a partnership. For this it is necessary to analyze the previous blunders and also the good relationships. Being aware of the role you’ve taken in the relationship. And what fears and issues of conflict there were between the two partners. Maybe it was the same reason again and again, why it finally came to the separation.
Putting the wrong ones under the microscope
But not only you are the key to the solution. The frogs and rivets in Bella’s past should also be scrutinized for once. Which character traits led to Bella falling for these men? And that every time? If you consciously ask yourself these questions, you will quickly realize which parameters influence your choice of partner. And at this point you should realize what exactly you are looking for in a partner.
Many women seem to run deliberately and open-eyed into their misfortune because they keep looking for a partner who is bound to disappoint them in the relationship. It is not uncommon for us to seek out characters who are completely unlike ourselves, but who act out sides of us that we ourselves suppress.
The similar copy man
Sometimes we look for a similarly disastrous one because we haven’t even solved the problems of the old partnership yet. Because we have not yet come to terms with the injuries of the last relationship. With a similar partner, we think, we can overcome the trauma because this time, in the same situation, we will do everything right. At least that’s what we tell ourselves. Again, the key to failure lies in ourselves rather than in the emotional ice block, the wrong partner we have chosen.
Those who haven’t really learned from the old situation will find the old drama repeating itself all the more painfully. Many women who become attached to a partner who makes them unhappy would hardly tolerate someone who showers them with his love. At least these women would not take his feelings seriously at all, because they are used to having to fight for love.
A partner who simply loves her can in truth not really mean her at all. Instead, these women are looking for a partner again, who is very likely to hurt them. So a relationship pattern is chosen that has turned out to be clearly negative, for the sole reason that it is already familiar and has been so learned.
Keep your eyes open
That is why we should advise our friend Bella to keep her eyes open despite the pink clouds. If one partner simply invests much more in a relationship over a long period of time, there is a constant imbalance. And Bella should realize that, even in the greatest infatuation. Who does not trust itself the critical view, should consult a trusted person or talk with the partner even once about how happy he is in the relationship and how he sees the balance of power.