In this guide you will learn the 12 steps that will help you win back the heart of your ex.
I have combined the most effective techniques from my years of experience as an ex-breakup coach so that you only need to apply them one after the other.
You want your ex back?
Then let’s undo your breakup together now!
What awaits you here.
Depending on where you are in the process of winning your ex back, you may want to wait until later in the strategy.
So click on one of the following 4 buttons and I’ll take you to the place where you can take off for yourself and your situation!
The breakup happened and you haven’t done a no contact thing yet?
You are currently in contact freeze and want to know how your:r ex misses you again?
You want to get back in touch with your:r ex?
You’re writing to your:r ex again and want to trigger feelings?
Step #1: BREATHE and avoid the biggest mistakes in winning back your ex
For now, it’s called:
Avoid that your affection takes control and that you therefore slip into the typical ex-back mistakes (i.e. don’t whine, beg, make ex jealous, …).
AND most importantly, don’t pressure your ex by making "winning your ex back" the only goal you depend on for your own happiness.
Don’t act as if your ex is a magnet and you are a rusty iron nail.
So by all means stick to this strategy and go one step at a time.
After the breakup, your own body is in fear mode.
The "herd" has left you and you are standing there like the scared little deer – alone in the wilderness.
The subconscious is screaming: "WIN EX BACK – AND DO IT NOW, OTHERWISE WE’RE DONE FOR!"
The biggest ex-return mistake
Many of my clients have as their only goal: I want to win my ex back.
In this way you deprive yourself of any options for action – you stiffen exclusively on the fact that it will work out Must be.
Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, but if "winning your ex back" is your only goal, then you are blaming someone else (= your:n ex) for your happiness.
So you are putting a huge amount of pressure on your ex, namely: "YOU have to make me happy."
Your ex will notice and feel this pressure. And that is in the intensity and the way your messages, messages and behavior come across in the meeting.
You could almost call it a kind of abuse – because you "abuse" your ex in order to become happy yourself.
And the consequence is almost ALWAYS: The new relationship will break up again.
That’s why I always aim in my ex-back coaching to become strong and independent again.
Slow and steady wins the race – stick to this strategy and go one step at a time.
And be sure to avoid these mistakes as well:
Avoid negative emotion triggers
In addition to not putting pressure on your ex, avoid any type of pressure Negative emotion triggers.
- Again: Do not put pressure on your ex (see above).
- Don’t tip over into negative behaviors (constantly whining, begging, or stalking your:n ex as well).
- Avoid a "reverse strategy" à la "I’m blocking you" or: "I’m going to make you jealous now"
So the bottom line is this:
Avoid anything if your:r ex doesn’t think positively of you by what you do.
Because the success of winning your ex back depends on whether you manage to get your ex to think positively about you again.
And so that your ex thinks positively of you, it is very important to clarify various organizational things first of all.
How to do this and what they are, you will learn in step #2.
More info about this ex back step
In this video Stephan speaks, my colleague with scenario-two, about those behaviors that are driving your ex further away from you:
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Step #2: Clarify organizational issues
In order to make the ex win you back work, first some organizational things have to be discussed.
Think the other way around like this:
If your:e ex notices that it is still possible to settle things with you in an uncomplicated way, then you already collect first plus points.
If you want to get out of the handover of common things etc. If you constantly make a drama again, then the rest of the smile on your ex’s face will quickly slip off!
The most important thing for everything in winning back your ex is that your:e ex thinks positively of you.
A first opportunity to achieve this is to clarify organizational matters in a professional and uncomplicated way.
What I mean by this?
If you still have things and you don’t give them away because you want to keep them as a "trump card", your ex will quickly think negatively about you.
If you still owe your:r ex and take your time paying it off, your:e ex will think negatively about you.
No matter what it is:
If clarifying organizational things with you is tedious, your ex will think negatively about you.
You need to get these things done as soon as possible or you will be deemed unreliable.
So even if it hurts:
If your:e ex demands it, then dare to take this step and hand over the final things.
For many this is totally hard, because it seems counterintuitive and because it makes the breakup more obvious.
How to finally make your:n ex fall in love with you again and move into your life…
In this free, 7-part video course, Stephan explains to you…
- How to find out why your:e ex broke up with you.
- An ingenious 3-step method for creating your own customized ex-return plan.
- When not to write to your ex under any circumstances.
- How to get your ex to want to write to you again.
- How to get your:n ex to fall in love with you again and want to be in a relationship with you.
And of course much more!
Step #3: Contact ban – your secret weapon in winning back your ex
Contact ban is one of the most effective ex back strategies. Namely, because it changes the post-breakup dynamics…
… and because this is the only way your ex can start to miss you again.
And no, your ex will not forget you ;-).
Contact ban does not mean "playing hide and seek" like in kindergarten.
During the contact ban you only avoid the contact with your ex personal level (how you are, what is going on with you at the moment, …).
So your:e ex suddenly has no idea what’s going on with you – and that’s the breeding ground where feelings of missing grow wonderfully… But more about that in the next step…
Yes really – in my ex back coaching I recommend the no contact rule in 95% of all cases – precisely because it is so effective!
But why is the contact ban so effective??
This way everything can settle down after the separation and the dynamic can change.
Why it does not work without a contact ban
In most cases when winning back an ex, it’s like this:
You have been abandoned, whining and begging. That’s why it’s important from now on that you don’t do that anymore!
A breakup is something that is close to everyone’s heart – no matter how old – and hard to deal with.
After all, you’re reading this guide because you want to do everything you can to get back into a relationship with your:r ex.
But don’t forget that your heart is also going through a separation.
So also give your heart a chance to process this for now.
Otherwise you might create a conflict in the relationship and later accuse your ex of this when you are together again – like this: "You already left me once…".
In addition, separations very often happen for a specific reason. Stephan explains which one in more detail in the Ex Back Crash Course.
(Click here, to secure your access to the free crash course!)
And by the contact ban you address exactly this reason and lay the foundation stone that also in your ex the feelings towards you change again from "emotionally negative" to "negative" to "emotionally neutral Change.
And only when your ex is emotionally neutral towards you again, it makes sense to start building up contact. You can find out more about this in step #5 in the test question.
How to initiate the contact ban?
In most cases:
Just do it and don’t contact you again.
If your:e ex is still writing, then you can write something along those lines:
"I need a little time for myself, the separation is working in me, I will not write for some time now."
How long contact ban?
Basically 30 days.
But you can extend or shorten it. But this depends on a few factors.
You can learn more about this in this video:
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Am I not allowed to have any contact during the contact ban??
The short answer:
It depends :-).
Especially in the contact block we do not play "hide and seek" like in kindergarten.
Because you want to get your ex back and this is only possible if you behave mature and adult.
Contact ban doesn’t mean that your ex can’t see you and you can’t communicate with each other.
But you should not see or hear from each other in a certain way.
The relationship is no longer there and from now on you take care of your own life and do not let your:n ex participate in your processes anymore.
On the personal level (which you avoid during the no-contact period)!) you talk about:
- what your current goals and visions are.
- who you are meeting with.
- What’s going on with you right now and how you’re doing.
- What hobbies and passions you are currently pursuing.
This is the personal level.
When winning back your ex there is another level of communication:
… namely the organizational level.
This exists INDEPENDENT of the personal level.
The organizational level is about:
- How and when common things are exchanged.
- Who picks up the children and when.
- Until when any debts to the other person will be repaid.
- Who will move out and how the matter will be settled until then.
With a no-contact policy you communicate with your ex exclusively on the organizational level and AVOID the personal level!
More info about this ex-breakup step
Although useful in almost all cases, sometimes the no-contact rule can also do more harm than good.
In this video, you will learn when contact ban is counterproductive in winning back your ex:
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Step #4: Make your ex miss you like crazy again
Missing is the magnet that can gradually attract your ex back to you and is the basic requirement to get your ex back.
How do you trigger it?
By showing your ex bluntly what he/she used to have in the relationship but no longer has now.
For example, post pictures on Facebook that show you doing a (formerly) common hobby – such as hiking.
Or just change your profile picture on WhatsApp – in many cases, this also doesn’t leave your:r ex without a trace!
A very important piece of wisdom when winning back an ex is:
Missing is always what you no longer have.
So think about it:
What do you have that your ex doesn’t have anymore??
For example, the cozy hammock in your apartment where you both used to chill on Sundays.
Or if you both wanted to go to a concert and now you go with a boyfriend/girlfriend.
And when you rub this in your:r ex’s face unobtrusively, reminding him/her of it, you trigger the following thoughts in his/her mind:
The only problem here is..
How in the world am I supposed to do that, I’m in contact freeze after all?
I’m not fooling you at all here:
Triggering missing is often not so easy to implement, but all the more important if you want your:n ex back.
Because missing happens on a personal level – but it’s taboo during the no-contact period.
So what remains?
The new media aka Social Media.
3 Tips to trigger missing during the no contact period
Missing you do with anything where your:e ex notices: "Oops, something’s happening and I’m not a part of it anymore…"
Tip #1: Post pictures on social media (Facebook, Instagram) where your ex knows how funny it is, but he/she can’t be there.
Example: If you were both going to a concert, then the breakup came up and now you’re going with a girlfriend/boyfriend.
And then post a concert video.
Tip #2: Use WhatsApp!
Change only your profile picture and nothing else. Many of my clients have reported that this has not gone unnoticed by their ex.
So that happens to you, I have here a few tips for a good profile photo:
- No everyday photo. Photo should ideally show you doing an activity that you enjoy.
- You should still be recognizable in the photo. So not somehow from behind or where you are perceived only as a point in the landscape.
- Make sure it’s good quality and has lots of colors. So no pixelated picture taken at night.
Tip #3: Continue cool things from the relationship and post pictures of them.
If you and your:e ex used to go hiking together and were definitely passionate about this shared hobby, then post cool hiking pictures.
This is how your:ex sees that you are still enjoying the hiking joy, but he/she is no longer a part of it.
Step #5: Feel it out and write a test question
In order to get your ex back, you need to feel out how your ex feels about you after the contact freeze, because you don’t know if your ex is more positive about you or still negative.
That’s exactly what you find out with a test question. This is where you decide whether to extend the no-contact period a little longer or move on to regular contact.
The rough approach is:
Test question + Ex answers positively –> Icebreaker and arouse feelings (so move on to the next step)
Test question + Ex answers negatively –> Contact ban for 1 week longer and then test question again
In ex back coaching I have never had anyone say: "Naaa, I don’t like texting my:r ex right now!"
After the contact ban, everyone is happy because they can write to the ex.
But unfortunately this often goes wrong.
On the one hand because many write to the ex(s) at the completely wrong time. Stephan also talks about this in his ex back crash course.
In addition, he also shows you a simple method how to find out the right time to write to your ex.
Click here to get access to the free Ex Back Crash Course right now, including strategies on how to make your ex fall in love with you again!
On the other hand, many want to arrange a meeting with the first message or write how much they miss the ex and that they absolutely want him/her back.
In step #1 I had said that you should not put pressure on your ex under any circumstances.
And because you don’t know where you stand because of the no-contact policy, we need to "feel out" where you stand first, so that your mission to "get your ex back" doesn’t end before it even begins.
How the test question works
Let’s try to feel out without risk.
Any message where emotions, or the words "we" or "miss" live, contain the risk that this is too much for your ex and feels like pressure.
(2 things you don’t need!)
Let’s go from worst case off and your:ex does not answer or answers unfriendly to your test question (however this is now structured – we will come to that in a moment).
If you had written now: "Do you remember XY, I miss you"!", then you would have totally destroyed your chances, just because it would have been much too much!
That’s why such emotional messages are dropped – instead we do it with a simple factual question.
Even if your ex doesn’t reply positively then you know "Ah, he/she is not in a good mood". And can withdraw again into the contact ban and try it after for example 1 week again.
A test question is supposed to feel out where you stand with your ex and ideally lead him/her to a small micro-commitment!
This is how you write a test question
Use something where you don’t put pressure on your ex and where your ex thinks to him/herself "Ah yes, there I understand that he/she writes to me."
Sure, test question is often too factual for many and many think to themselves:
"Just because my ex tells me where my passport is or I get some info, you can’t conclude that we’ll get back together!"
But you can infer where your ex stands towards you and what your next step can be.
Because this is ALWAYS the most important thing in winning back an ex:
To know how your next steps will look like.
That’s why I always recommend the following form (somewhat simplified) as a test question to my client:s in ex back coaching:
"funny to hear from me" (= mind reading)
+ Reason why you write
+ concrete request, what should be done (in most cases, get info from ex)
+ neutral farewell (for example "dear greetings" etc.)
By the way, you can find detailed instructions for test questions and many examples in this video of mine:
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Do not forget THAT, if you write a test question!
Test questions stand and fall with one single thing:
It must be comprehensible for your ex, why you are writing!
Why this is so important is shown in this example from coaching.
I once had a client who had reached the point for the test question.
Then he sent his ex a test question and correctly asked only for factual info.
(that was BEFORE he came to me Ex back coaching came)
But he got the following answer: "Just Google this!"
Zack – chance lost!
The factual info question should already be something you shouldn’t find out yourself within 3 min on Google.
If your:e ex has now responded positively to the test question, the next step in your ex-return process follows:
Step #6: Use initial micro-commitments in winning back your ex (Use icebreakers to make contact)
If you have completed the test question well and the exchange on the factual level has worked, then the next escalation level is reached:
Namely, write on the emotional level and get your:n ex to make more micro-commitments.
(only in this way you can trigger emotions again)
We do this with icebreakers and find out if your ex is ready to take this step.
For this you can use, for example, the "Random experience":
I just did [activity]. It reminded me of [previous shared experience].
If your ex reacts positively –> next step
If your ex reacts negatively to it –> Mini contact block
I’ll start right here with the difference to the test question.
The test question is purely about factual information.
But in love and infatuation emotions play a role.
That’s why the next step is to focus the communication on the emotional or emotional level. direct the personal level.
Stephan also deals with this in his Ex Back Crash Course. In it you will find out the no.1-Target for each message to your:n ex and how to achieve it. Click here to join the free crash course now!
And that’s exactly what icebreakers do.
The answer from your:r ex to an icebreaker is now no longer a simple factual info – icebreakers aim at micro-commitments.
An ex back secret: What are micro-commitments??
In sports there is principle of increasing load.
That is somewhat simplified:
Do always a little more training, then you get better.
And it’s the same with winning back an ex.
Get your ex to always invest a little in your relationship.
The test question was a first such investment offer. An admittedly very small investment offer, but we do not want to fall with the door into the house.
Because that puts pressure on your ex and – you already know – that blows up your chances in no time.
So if your ex answered the test question, then he/she has already made a micro-commitment like this.
And this clears the way for the next escalation stage, namely micro-commitments that elicit something more than factual info from your:r ex.
And that’s where the icebreakers come in!
Writing the perfect icebreaker
A variation I often recommend in coaching as an icebreaker is the "Random Experience".
The general formula here is:
I have just [Activity.] made. That’s what attracted me [previous shared experience] reminds.
This is also where you see the big difference with the test question.
This does not contain a concrete request for action, and we are no longer on the factual level, but on the level of the "action" emotional level.
After the icebreaker it gets exciting
Any response to the icebreaker would be more voluntary than with the test question.
With test question, yes you want info, with icebreaker, in this example, it’s all about shared memory.
The answer from your ex needs more creativity (= more micro-commitment)!).
So if your:e ex writes, for example: "Yes, I remember, that was very nice!", then this is no longer factual info.
What is the goal of the icebreaker and what happens next??
The goal of an icebreaker is, roughly speaking, not to get a negative response…
With an icebreaker you determine, so to speak, whether the next step from the factual level in the test question to the emotional level in the icebreaker is ready.
To stay with the answer above "Yes, I remember, that was very nice!" basically means the following:
Your ex is not resisting the shared memories. And that is very positive! Then move on to the next step!
But if he/she writes: "Why are you writing this to me??" or just send a question mark, then you know:
It’s still too early to go from the factual to the more emotional level. In this case again a mini contact ban.
BEFORE you go to the next step: eliminate reasons for separation
This is not a step in and of itself, but something I can’t urge you strongly enough to do.
Unfortunately, what I see in ex-return coaching is that most people want the ex(s) back, but conversely do not address the reasons for the breakup
Namely to eliminate the reasons for the breakup.
Because if the reasons for separation still exist, your ex will legitimately ask himself: "The second time it will be the same anyway!"
When it comes to reasons for separation, then you can divide it quite globally into 2 categories.
With the known reasons for separation, you know what went wrong or your:e ex told you so. So, for example, an affair, jealousy or quarrel.
Then there are the unknown reasons for the breakup. Fall under:
- no more feelings,
- it simply does not fit,
- Ex does not want a relationship because everything is too much.
All reasons for separation have something in common:
They are often just a result of something that did not fit in the relationship.
If everything in the relationship would have fit 100%, then a fling would not have happened, then it would not have broken because of an argument. Precisely because the relationship would have been perceived as a safe haven.
The feelings would not have gone away even if everything had been right in the relationship.