Ex back – the brutal truth

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Dominik Borde 27 Mar> Reading time: 9 minutes

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The fact is, a person who has left you does not want to be "won over", but first of all wants to feel understood. Every relationship has its own individual story, so one-size-fits-all quick fixes rarely help. Here are – in my experience – the 7 most important considerations that will influence whether your ex-partner wants to come back to you. In addition, you will learn in which cases a serious counseling on the subject of separation& Expartner can be valuable to you or is meaningful to you. If you’re desperate because you miss your ex so much that it physically hurts, you’ll find plenty on the Internet: "10 tips on how to get your ex back – guaranteed method" and lists and guides that promise to win back your beloved ex-partner. You wish you could wake up relieved to find out that the breakup was just a bad nightmare? You really miss your ex-partner and think that she is the only one, or he is the only one, and that you can never be truly happy without him or her again? You blame yourself: "Oh shit, what mistakes have I made?!", and think, "What if she or he knew that I could do all this better now??!"

As if: Warming up one does only a goulash! In fact, the topic of ex-back is one that is most frequently requested. Clients come to me in the worst phase of their lives, when they can’t take it anymore, in the middle of a breakup, devastated.

If you can’t do anything, you like to be a coach

At this point it would be relatively easy to persuade a deadly unhappy counterpart for a lot of money that there is a guaranteed strategy to win back your ex-partner. And if you don’t succeed, the "coach" or "counselor" can still deny any guilt by claiming that you didn’t follow his or her tips exactly.

Ex-forever – the hardcore truth

I think it is unserious and almost dangerous, when so-called experts out there give any guarantees! The fact is, and this is the brutal truth, whether you want to hear it or not: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO GUARANTEE! Nobody, really nobody can (and should!) promise you that you will get your ex-partner back. Whoever is doing this is unserious! It is not possible to guarantee something like this! Sorry! The reason is very simple:

Because someone else is involved! You cannot change your ex, you can only change yourself and your behavior.

The truth is: I will never and can never guarantee anyone that winning back his or her ex will work out! What I say to all clients, and this is my standard line at this point: "I can’t guarantee you that I will win your ex-partner back for you or that you will manage to win him back. The only thing I can guarantee you is that I will give you the best tools to do it!

Ex-Win-Back – Coaching for Repeat Offenders

If you want to come to me, it’s because you want to learn about relationships, and because you don’t want to make the same mistakes over and over again. My work is to increase your chances of a fulfilling and, above all, lasting partnership in the future, whether in a 2.0 your relationship or in a new one.

Ex-Back – Your individual couple story

Every story is individual, and of course you have to start somewhere. This means that based on my years of experience as a coach of thousands of couples – with problems that are not the same, but very similar in some respects – I do make an assessment, to which I link my package of measures.

For example, if your partner goes off to mommy for two days and says, "I’m breaking up, I don’t want to anymore!"If you have had a smooth, beautiful relationship that has just hit rock bottom, I think you have a realistic chance of winning your partner back. save the relationship.

So it all depends on the individual couple’s history: Were you married for ten years, you have three children together, but somehow there has been no common development in the relationship? You recognize the change of your ex or your ex’, find the life he or she is leading now awesome, and trust yourself to initiate development processes in the same direction? Then, of course, it is more likely to work to win back the ex or exes: Because there is a strong connection here!

If, on the other hand, you have been together with your partner for two months, and in those two months there have been permanent arguments, then the chance that he or she will come back is very, very small.

Most "ex back" guides are very trivial and written in very general terms. That is, they are not individualized to the relationship situation. For example, they do not take into account that your ex-partner has commitment anxiety! That is, an "ex-return guide" that you briefly read through, or a few tips from the Internet, can never be sufficient to really give you the individual and occasion-specific help you need to make a revival even likely.

7 helpful thoughts about the ex-relationship

1. The breakup takes place long before

You must not forget one thing: If a partner has really made the decision and said, "Look, I’m breaking up with you!" then, for example, with most women there was already a long phase before that, in which they emotionally distanced themselves from you. That means, if she tells you that she doesn’t want anymore, she is already out of this "being in love" topic or maybe she has already thought about something else for her further life. One key aspect to consider in any case.

2. Fear is a poor reason for couple relationships

Ask yourself seriously: "Do I want my ex back??" Why do you want her or him back? Are you afraid you won’t find someone as good as him or her anymore? Are you afraid to stay alone? Or are you afraid of dying alone?

If the motivation to get the ex-partner back is fear, then it has nothing to do with love. But only with your ego, which is in pain and can’t let go. In fact, there is nothing LOVELY about wanting to win someone back just to satisfy personal fears!

Be honest for once: If the relationship with your ex-partner was really so great, if the passion and love between you was so intense – well, he or she probably wouldn’t have left you, right?? That is, if you really look fairly at your past, it may dawn on you that it probably wasn’t that great for you either, and that maybe it’s just fear that’s making you do everything you can now to get him or her back.

3. Am I the right one

Love is a place where you go to give! And that which makes the other person happy! This means that you should also ask yourself the question: "Can I give this to my partner, my ex-partner/, my ex-partner at all? Can I even give the other person enough love based on my current life path? What has to happen for me to be able to do this, and am I willing to invest in it??"

Your ex-partner must know that you saw, heard and understood what this relationship suffered from, why it broke down. That requires an intense confrontation with yourself. If you just say: "Yes Schatzi, from tomorrow I’ll do everything better!", he or she will think: "You don’t even know what you should do better!"Why should he or she come back if you only get the old back??

4. Your ex does not want to go back to the past

And how would be the ideal partner, the ideal counterpart for me, for whom I also represent a counterpart that makes him or her happy?? This development, this work of change must happen independently of the partner. This means that if you lie the blue of the sky, so to speak, so that your ex-partner can be won back without further ado and says: "Yes, ok well, maybe I missed something …", and you don’t change anything in your life, sooner or later the relationship will break up again.

Realize that your ex-partner doesn’t want to come back to the way things were, but to something completely different, something better. However, this change that you are making in your life should suit you, it should fit your life path. It doesn’t make sense if you change something in the short term and say: "Now I’ll go out every night until she or he is back and go partyking, because he or she would have liked to go out. And as soon as he or she is back, your life is back in default mode, so to speak, sitting at home on the couch and can’t get your butt up.

So ask yourself: Is it simply the fear of being left alone? Is it possibly my wounded ego that can’t stand it when he or she becomes happy with someone else?? I definitely want to prevent him or her from doing better than me, and that’s why I bring him or her back into the relationship? – These are all very bad motivations.

Ask yourself: Am I really ready to change my life in a way that makes him or her enjoyable? And if so, change it! But regardless of your ex or. to your ex-partner.

Because regardless of whether you win your ex-partner back or find happiness with someone else: The end of a relationship comes with a learning experience. In my experience, if you try to carry on with the same sappy, idiotic fads, it doesn’t work in the vast majority of cases. That’s why it’s definitely a good idea for you to address the issue: What mistakes have I made? What will I definitely do better in the future??

5. Take your time to start over

A change in the old inevitably leads to a new form of relationship. Change or. Personal development is therefore a very important aspect to improve your chances of getting your ex(s) back. Entering into a new relationship, even if it is built on common ground, entails a fresh start. The "old" partner should fall in love with you again. That means, it needs a flirting phase, it needs a careful approach.

6. Life path or ego trip

Are you really the best partner for your ex? If you say, "Okay, he or she wishes for a completely different life; the ideas of our life paths are now so far apart that we would not normally meet today, then it is not loving to say that I want to win this person back. Let him deal with something else or. be satisfied with less?

Do you think, "Yes, I have learned and now I know what was my fault and what I did wrong?. Please, if he or she only knew I could do it right now!" Please don’t! Because this way of thinking assumes that you alone are responsible for the failure of this relationship and that you alone can make it right. This is not true! Your ex-partner also has a part in it! People are different and sometimes they develop in different directions. Maybe he or she wants to learn about the world or meet new people etc. – regardless of how well or how wrong you’ve done it.

7. The hardest glue in the world – habit

It’s also the case that the more invested we are in something, the harder it is for us to let go. It is natural to say, "I want the usual, the customary, the old back! I feel comfortable with that, I know that."

What it does prevent, however, is that you face new tasks in life, that you meet new people, and that you may end up with someone who is a better and more ideal fit for you at the next stage of your development. And when you talk about love, it means that you should also give your ex-partner these opportunities, otherwise the whole thing has little to do with love – but simply with ego and a: "I can’t let go".

Ex-back? I am a coach and not a magician

So please don’t believe any expert who tells you: "With these three tips you will definitely win her back"!". Then you text, take the specified relationship break, and after six, eight weeks, or ten weeks, you’ll magically get back together. – No, it doesn’t work like that!

You will have to adjust to the fact that it may take a while, that it will most likely not work out either, and that the value out of it all may be that you did your best. Never in life has anyone regretted giving their best in a relationship.

No matter how it turns out, please don’t miss the learning experience

And sometimes you have to try something two or three times before you can really let it go. And this can certainly be done more professionally, better and more thoughtfully with specially trained help. Together you can perhaps also better recognize what your partner has been missing. Or clarify how you could have done it better? Or what the relationship has suffered most from?

This mirror or counterpart can be a coach or a professional advisor for you! When both want to, but don’t know how, it is often possible to make couples understand each other and thus bring them back together, after a trained counselor has asked the right questions and set impulses respectively. worked together with them.

Give yourself a real closure

But at least as often it has happened to me that you have gone your separate ways. If this is the case, I want my clients to be able to say: "Okay, that’s the way it is now. Nonetheless, it has paid off in full for me because now I know what I can do differently in the future. I now know how to attract and also keep the ideal partner. And I wish my ex – and this is also a very important and valuable point, especially if you have children together or any other common connection or circle of friends – and I really wish him or her from the bottom of my heart the best on their respectively. his way! You can continue to see eye to eye, maybe go out for a coffee or maybe even become friends later on. This would be a successful conclusion of the relationship and the best start into something new.

When the ex-partner incriminates new things

The important thing is that the old relationship is really over. It shouldn’t be that once you are constantly telling your new partner all that went wrong in the old relationship, and how crappy your ex was – all the things he did wrong. Out of anger, out of hate, out of rage and out of fear, nothing good can really come out of it – then your new partner, your new friend is only a comforting plaster. That means: I help you to heal your wounds, to strengthen yourself (and your self-worth), and to transform the experiences of your ex-relationship in order to be able to give the best in the future.

True love loves – even if it is difficult

A successful couple relationship is about both partners truly loving the person at their side. This ultimately means (even if it hurts like hell) letting go of your beloved ex-partner if he or she is not happy in the relationship. The point is to honestly discuss whether the respective personal developments continue to make a common path in life meaningful.


A reputable counselor can support you in your efforts. A jointly thought-out path prevents ill-considered short-circuit actions, which, in our experience, only drive the ex-partner further away. If it turns out that your ex-partner or. If your ex-partner doesn’t want to come back, it’s about letting go and finding a peaceful closure. With coaching still not easy, but much easier to cope with. An experienced coach supports you to get back on track, to rebuild your life, to reach your full potential with or without an ex-partner and to become personally grown and strengthened to be happy in a new relationship.

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