Winning back ex – how to get him/her back?

That the great love is something special, you often realize only after a breakup. Heartbreak, regret as well as fear of loss usually go hand in hand with the end of the relationship. Often singles then make the decision to win back the ex. But can this work? Is there a certain strategy and helpful tips for this? What is the best way to proceed?

Why do I want to win the ex back?

Profile of couple looking each other falling in love

First of all, you should ask yourself why you want the ex back in the first place. For here it matters if still Feelings in play Are or whether, for example, the fear of being alone is the motive for winning back the ex-partner.

It is not uncommon for abandoned people to feel like they are alone forever. But financial worries are often another reason why people long for their former love back.

Phase 1: Evaluate the breakup objectively

An objective analysis of the reasons for the breakup is inevitable and comes first if you want to get your ex back. You need to be honest with yourself in every case, even if it hurts. Financial aspects and old habits must not be the reason why you stick to the partnership. It is very important to understand and evaluate the past relationship objectively.

Rarely is only one person to blame for the failure of a relationship. Problems that lead to arguments usually do not arise overnight, but develop over time. Lack of communication is unfortunately all too often the main reason for the relationship ending. Fortunately, however, this is a mistake that can be fixed and that two people can work on. More difficult, but by no means hopeless, are problems such as infidelity, insults, fear of commitment or jealousy. However, a well-functioning communication is also inevitable here, in order to discard old mistakes and rethink behavior patterns.

Who initiated the breakup?

Evaluating the old relationship also includes the question of who initiated the breakup. It is very important to be clear about who initiated the end of the relationship and why it happened. Have you ended the relationship or has your ex-partner broken up with you? In many cases, the decision to go separate ways is a joint one. If you were the initiator, it may be easier to win back the ex than the other way around.

Do not jump to conclusions

In the next step, you should also question your own feelings. In a separation process it is normal that fear of loss and loneliness are part of the daily routine. However, this does not always mean that you really want to win your ex-partner back. Misinterpretation of your own emotional state are very often in such situations. Now it is important to answer the following two questions honestly:

  1. Do you miss your ex-partner or rather the feeling of security?
  2. Can you imagine a future together with this person or do you just miss the fact that someone is there for you?

You need to answer these questions as honestly as you can. This is the only way to find out whether you want to win your ex back for his or her sake or whether you just want to be alone. Be absolutely clear about this. Do not let yourself be carried away to a short decision.

Phase 2: The contact block

Many people who want to win your ex back exhibit pushy and over-motivated behavior. Frequent phone calls, endless messages or, in the worst case, spying on each other are more than counterproductive and constrict the other person. A temporary "no contact" is the more sensible way to do this. Accept the distance, even if it is difficult. This step is indispensable if you want to keep the chance of winning the ex back. Too much closeness only drives the other person into a corner and leads to even more distance.

Phase 3: Tips, tricks and strategy to win your ex back

Tip 1) Take time for yourself and pursue your own feelings

But also for yourself the temporary distance is very useful. After a breakup, you should take time for yourself to become aware of your feelings. This way you will get to know yourself better and can deal with things you neglected during the relationship. The "no-contact period" gives you the space you need to become aware of your feelings and to work on yourself. Often during this time Family and friends or focus on your professional career again. Focus on your strengths, talents and on your appearance. Become again the person your ex-partner fell in love with. Think back to the beginning of the relationship and the reasons why your ex-partner fell in love with you back then. Was it your spontaneity, your humor or your passion? Whatever the reasons were, try to rekindle the passion of that time.

Tip 2) A makeover can work wonders

During this phase, it is often also helpful to spice up your outward appearance. New clothes, sports or a visit to the hairdresser can sometimes work wonders. Of course, you should not change your personality, but it can not hurt, fresher and more full of life to appear as your ex-partner remembers you.

Tip 3) Get active and meet friends

It’s no use sinking into self-pity. Be active, meet friends, meet people or start a new hobby. Set new goals. It is the ideal time for things you have wanted to try for a long time, but have never implemented. Whether you are a man or a woman, it is attractive when the other person enjoys life and radiates it.

How to continue after the contact ban?

The first contact should not come from you. If the ex-partner has had enough time to think about the relationship, he or she will certainly get in touch with you of their own accord. Most of the time, it is only during the "no contact" period that we become aware of what we care about in the other person. However, if your ex doesn’t get in touch with you for several weeks or months, the feelings on the other side have not been enough for a long time already.
But are you important to him, the ex after a Meet and talk ask. Be sure to do something noncommittal at first, such as going out to dinner or going to the movies together. A day in the sauna or directly an invitation to your home sends wrong signals. A relationship should have friendship as a basis. Therefore, it is hugely important that they become friends again before romance and passion can reignite.

But here, too, the following applies: Do not harass your ex-partner. A too fast new beginning would not be sensible. Both partners need time to work on themselves and to change the behavior patterns that led to the end of the relationship.

You should avoid the following mistakes at all costs:

  • Do not court his/her love
  • Do not plan any acts of revenge
  • Avoid angry outbursts
  • Do not blame yourself
  • Do not badmouth your ex-partner in your circle of friends
  • Do not seduce him
  • Do not bring the common children against him/her

Phase 4: Building a healthy relationship with the ex

Close up on a man and a woman holding hands at a wooden table

In the next phase they build step by step a healthy relationship with each other again. Since in most cases lack of communication led to the breakup, it is necessary to talk openly with each other – especially about the areas that have led to problems. It is also advisable to remember what led to the breakup. Issues of dispute or disagreement you should approach gently. In any case, treat the relationship like a new one – if only to avoid falling back into old behavior patterns.

An objective analysis of arguments and other recurring problems is an important prerequisite for a successful new beginning. In this context, professional couple therapy may be an option. Regular dates where couples talk openly about their feelings and fears are very helpful for a relationship to get healthy. An objective opinion helps to better understand the other person and to comprehend the motivations. Because problems should always be tackled at the root in order to overcome them.

Sometimes the only thing that helps is a breakup

In some cases, however, it makes sense to let go of the ex-partner and go separate ways. For a variety of reasons, sometimes two people just aren’t compatible – even when feelings are involved. The following signs are indications that the relationship is beyond repair:

  • Recurring infidelity
  • A trust that has been destroyed from the bottom up
  • Disrespect
  • Any kind of abuse
  • Humiliations

Couples therapy Berlin – Diana Boettcher

Couples therapy, couples counseling& Marriage counseling Berlin Prenzlauer Berg and Mitte – Diana Boettcher practice

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