Is he the right one? Or maybe there is someone who fits me better? Will I be permanently happy with him?
These questions are always on your mind. They torment you. They make you insecure. Time goes by, but you don’t get any smarter. There are moments when you think you know it. And shortly after, there they are again, the doubts about your relationship.
In this article you will learn how to get clarity.
My head cinema
Again and again I ask myself these questions. I just can’t stop my thoughts. After all, it is something crucial. Is this man the right one for me?? Do I want to stay with him?
That’s how I felt with my current partner in the first 3 years. I did not know that before. In my relationships before, there were no doubts.
I was together with my first long-term boyfriend for over nine years. I was firmly convinced that we would stay together forever. Okay, we were still relatively young. At the beginning of our relationship we were only 16 and still in school. By the end of our relationship, however, we had lived together for a few years, had renovated a house together and had a relatively fixed daily routine. (The separation from me came very suddenly. Today I know why, more about that later.)
The following relationship lasted about. Took 3 years. And actually I knew all along that he was not "the one". (Why we were together for such a long time anyway – I don’t really know.)
Doubts about the relationship- why this time?
Sure, what is casual in your early 20s is very different 10 years later. A relationship faces completely different challenges.
It was always clear to me that I wanted a family with my own children. And when you’re in your early 30s, of course you wonder if the man by your side is right for you. And that means even more stress for a decision.
(Exactly the same applies if there is a lot attached to the relationship – children, friends, money, etc.).)
I have overcome the hurdles. We have been together for five and a half years. Parents for 18 months. And even today I would not say that he is "my soul mate". Doubts still come sometimes. And I am still happy!
And now I’ll tell you how you can overcome your "doubt hurdles":
The more intense the relationship, the more intense the fears
The more intense your relationship is, the more you open yourself up. And that makes you afraid. Because then things will come out that you don’t like yourself. Hurts come up that you didn’t even know were there.
If there are doubts about the relationship now, it’s a protective mechanism. This is exactly what happened to me in my first relationship. And I chose the escape then.
How we prefer to escape before we confront ourselves. Either we do not want to show a supposedly ugly side of us. Or we are not ready to look at old hurts.
But this is the reason why we enter relationships. This is the only way we can grow.
That you could do
Ask yourself these questions: What about me do I not love and therefore do not want to make it visible?? What are the issues that I personally would have to deal with if I stay in the relationship??
What is missing in your relationship?
Our relationships are usually overloaded with expectations and wishes for the other person. All these tasks can’t be fulfilled by a single person. At least not if she gives enough space to her own needs.
My partners were often at the same time sports partner, best friend, family substitute, conversation partner, vacation partner, companion, hobby partner, etc. Quite a lot for one person! Sure, they can be all of that. But it’s very healthy to have other people who fulfill these roles as well. And it must also be okay if the partner doesn’t take on some roles at all.
A partner should be a partner. No more and no less. If he is "the whole world", then something goes wrong.
You could do that
Answer these questions: Do you doubt your relationship because your partner does not fulfill one or the other role?? If so, which one? Is this a role that is mandatory for the partnership?? If no, who could fulfill that in your life??
Have clarity between you?
A relationship is only in the clear when there is clarity. Then there’s nothing to stand between you. Clarity is mostly related to communication. Even if we do not want to admit it to ourselves, we feel when much unsaid hangs in the air. Often we come clean only when it is already too late. Then there is nothing left to lose and we become brave.
I experience it again and again in my coaching sessions that there are no open conversations. The desire for it is there, but the fear of it too great.
But how is your partner supposed to do anything differently if he doesn’t know anything?
You could do this
Ask yourself this question: How open are you to your partner?? Does he know how you feel? Does he know what you want in your relationship? My favorite tool for this is the 3-minute exercise. Click here for the exact description.
Have you ever committed yourself?
If we constantly have that doubting voice in our ear, we can never really get there. We don’t let ourselves fall because we are constantly analyzing and thinking.
That’s why I recommend you not to give this voice a chance for some time.
You could do
Comitte you for a fixed period of time for your relationship. That should be at least 4 weeks. If doubts arise, don’t let them. You commit yourself to see the positive. You are willing to invest in the relationship and do something for it. It is simply a decision.
Give up the dream castle
I am a head person. I weigh a lot of things and think back and forth. So I was stuck in this thought spiral for a long time:
Is there a soul mate? The prince charming? The person who fits perfectly? The man with whom I am infinitely happy? If so, and now I’m holding on to the wrong relationship, then I’m missing it? And what if no, I search for it forever and don’t find it??
This annoying carousel of thoughts could hardly be stopped. With this, it did work out:
- It’s okay if we don’t stay together for the rest of our lives. I can’t rule it out, but it may well be that not. I can ask myself anew every day: do I want the relationship just yet? Tomorrow I will simply decide anew.
- The idea of the prince charming makes blinkers. We set the bar high by doing this and form a dream castle in our head, which has nothing to do with reality. We have an ideal of what HE should be like. The partner who is there at the moment can’t correspond to that at all. So we only look for the mistakes and the points that don’t match with our imagination.
- A partner can’t make me "infinitely happy" anyway, that’s my own responsibility. If we put this in the responsibility of the other person, we would be emotionally dependent on them. This would give the relationship a foundation that is doomed to fail.
For me there is a lot of truth to the phrase "Only those who love themselves can have a truly happy relationship". There are no more needs that I have to fulfill myself, but expect from my partner. Everyone lets the other be the way he is. So all of a sudden many men become the perfect partner.
This is what you could do
Think about what dream ideas you have. Are they realistic? Does any man ever have the opportunity to fulfill these? How much do you love yourself?
LOVE IT, CHANGE IT or LEAVE IT
The most important thing: Be honest with yourself! Do what is right for you. Do not make your decisions for the sake of your environment.
Love it – I have just described to you some ways in which this can come true.
Change it – You can only change yourself.
Leave it – There is no reason to keep a relationship that is finally over. Not even when there are children. And I say this as a burned child of divorce – of course, with your own children you should first do everything to find out whether the relationship still has a chance.
Decide right now what you want to try out. Often the things with the most resistance are the most effective…
Reply 15. February 2017
I am a firm believer that the desperate search for a soul mate brings more harm than good. In my own coaching sessions I have experienced too often that in the beginning the other person was the soul mate – five years later he was no longer the soul mate.
The search for your soul mate prevents you from really getting involved in your current relationship, there might be something better … Only: the current relationship is not going to work out that way either.
Whether my own husband is my soul mate, I don’t know, and I don’t care. We go hand in hand through the highs of life and every now and then through hell. By accepting what is and being convinced that what is now is the right thing, he is probably my soul mate&
Reply 15. February 2017
Dear Riccarda, thank you very much for your words!
Reply 25. May 2021
I find the article so super clear and it really adds value.
Riccarda Larcher’s comment has totally helped me now thank you&
Reply 28. May 2021
I am very happy about that.
Reply 17. May 2017
this article fits very well to my current situation, because I am actually more often in doubt, and that is really exhausting and makes me tired, this eternal weighing and brooding. I always tell myself that the perfect partner doesn’t exist and I try to focus on the good things about my boyfriend, to respect myself and not to make my happiness dependent on others. I hope and think this is the right way to go, but the article opened my eyes again and showed how much it has to do with ourselves.
I like the article very much, reads very well and has a lot of truth content.
Thanks for this and your enriching website.
Reply 17. May 2017
thank you very much for your comment.
All the love for you
Reply 26. May 2020
even as a child I learned that I was not valuable, that I was never wanted, troublesome, it maneuvered me from one broken relationship to another, always made me feel inadequate. Well after 15 years of marriage with a narcissist I finally managed to separate. Now I have met a prima man and after 3 weeks I am again the insecurity in Perspn and project all the quirks on him. I immediately think only negative and have bestimmr meanwhile surely already scared him away.
How can you just come to terms with yourself and give it a chance, it is doomed to fail from the start. An eternal spiral ?
Reply 5. June 2020
It is not an eternal spiral – if you actively break it!
It’s a way to come clean with yourself. It is important to leave limiting belief patterns behind you step by step and thus bring about a lasting and long-term change.
I can only advise again and again, look for someone who supports you in this. On the one hand it goes much faster and on the other hand things are brought to the surface that you can’t reach on your own.
Take full responsibility to yourself and best start now before you change your mind again. "No change without change…".
Reply 10. August 2018
Hi Nathalie, how is it when all the doubts and fears end up in obsessive thoughts?
Already heard about it ?
Reply 1. October 2018
at this point it would probably go beyond the scope to write my ideas about it.
Basically, I believe that everything can be changed if you address the issues in depth. The prerequisite for this is, of course, that the change is wanted.
Reply 27. September 2018
Thanks for the text, find it very interesting.
I am currently putting a lot of pressure on myself to decide for or against my still fresh relationship. I was with a person for 3 years, who in my opinion I didn’t love from the beginning – when I wanted to separate after a short time, he somehow lulled me and I could only separate when I was really annoyed by him.
Now I met a man again, during my stay abroad in Brazil of all places. We only have a limited time, he is totally in love and ready to come to Germany and when everything started to get "binding" I started to seriously doubt if he is the one. I tried "comitting" myself to him but I couldn’t stick it out. So I talk to thousands of people about my problem to get opinions, consult Google daily to see if there is even a chance for us anymore.
I would love to break up – however, I can’t shake the thought of missing out on the best person in my life. If we are together I can hardly physically detach from him and still something feels weird. I can’t live with the thought of possibly never seeing him again.
Reply 1. October 2018
maybe you like to feel inside if you have (unconscious) fears of a firm commitment.
What could happen if you really get into a relationship?
Reply 18. October 2018
I just came across your page. This article here speaks from my soul. I have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and through him I am shown where I have "issues" all over the place. We are working on it and want to grow together (yes, he is also working on himself), but I am also always overcome with doubts.
That’s why I think it’s so nice that you felt the same way, that this seems to be quite normal, or rather. all right. I realize that a lot is my responsibility and I don’t want to just give up on him and our relationship. It’s interesting how much your view of life, of partnerships can change when you look at yourself and what a healthy partnership actually is.
So thank you from the bottom of my heart for this text, really great! And all the love to you, your family and your life&
Reply 18. October 2018
i am very happy if the article was a contribution to you.
All, all the best to you and your journey to an all around fulfilled life!
Reply 25. March 2019
I feel the same way. I broke up with my first relationship after 28 years. After a little trial and error I am now 3 years into a new relationship. He loves me, I can have confidence, which is very important to me. It had never been easy for me. I didn’t feel comfortable with him at home for many reasons, there were problems with the kids and he was more inclined to say what was not good. So to say if it fits,you don’t need to say it. Now the situation is that the whole thing has been solved on the outside, my boyfriend has opened up more and more and I feel almost crushed in my insecurity. I have often wanted to separate, but do not manage it. I’m kind of afraid of throwing something away that I’ll regret later on.
Just thinking positively without brooding…..that would be great
Reply 1. April 2019
Thank you for your comment!
My advice to you: Use what the relationship keeps painfully pointing out to you to become aware of old wounds and to heal them.
Because even if you break up, you’re going to take them with you into the next relationship.
Reply 30. April 2019
This post has just helped me a lot
In my last relationship I have separated because I thought that I no longer love him but in the end I have hurt myself very much because I have loved him very well..
Now I am 4 months in a new relationship in which I doubt a lot … I generally doubt a lot in life
But we also have incredibly beautiful moments together that I would never give away
Just live in the day without brooding that would be it …
I have doubts since the beginning of the relationship, that’s why it’s so hard for me .
Do you have any tips ?
Reply 3. May 2019
I am very happy if this article has helped you further.
You asked for tips.
I can only advise you in general: Go one step lower. What is really behind the doubts?
These questions might help you:
If the doubts would not be, what would be?
Truth, are the doubts well founded and pointing me to something or am I distracting myself from a deeper wound?
What are the fears behind the doubts??
If you want to go deeper into this topic, feel very free to contact me!
Reply 15. July 2019
thank you for this article.
I have already found that I am afraid of doing things wrong, no matter in which area of my life.
I have not been with my partner for long (it is my first real relationship) but I feel deep inside that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He helps me to overcome my fears and makes me forget everything for a short time.
And still I always have doubts and wonder if I really love him.
I have never been in love before and therefore do not know what to do with my feelings.
I’m very afraid of losing him at some point, for whatever reason, I can’t stand it when he’s miserable and if I’m not completely honest with him or think I’ve hurt him in some way, it really eats me up from the inside. It really hurts.
I think this is love, but how do I know for sure?
I digressed a bit, but anonymously letting go of something like this is kind of relieving.
Reply 24. October 2019
Whenever I feel in conflicts we have different opinions, I don’t look for a solution or compromise but want to leave the relationship altogether because I find this straightening out so incredibly debilitating and tough. Since I have been with this person, I always have such strong doubts. Now a little sparrow has also been given to us and despite everything it does not stop. Even worse, I think about whether it is not now even easier for him than that he will see it later as a separation. In my first marriage (17years) it was quite different I just always found solutions on my own and made the best of it. One day I would not be able to see myself in the mirror anymore because of all the bending. Despite 2 children, I confidently completed the divorce and was the first time free my first apartment, etc. My new partner puts a lot of emphasis on living together etc, that was not important to me. I preferred to be exclusive and qualitatively valuable time. No " I also take care of your stuff, your kids, your household, I didn’t want to compromise on decor style dishes etc. He devalued my attitude and Nu I got the salad and inserted myself again. Is it insecurity, faultfinding or reluctance that makes me drop out all the time?
Reply 25. October 2019
I can’t tell you like this what is behind it. To find out we would have to go deeper.
What I know for sure is that it is a pattern of yours. Your partner reflects things to you that are inside you. Most likely that would be with a next partner sooner or later exactly the same again. Only if you recognize your underlying beliefs and dissolve them in a sustainable way, it will change.
Feel very free to contact me if you wish to have support.
Reply 9. December 2019
once a question from the male department&
In our relationship the same things are happening that have already been told several times. (Is that really all and does everyday life go on like this until we are 80 or can I experience more with another man? . )
My girlfriend (for 7.5 years) has doubts again and again, but it is clear to me that SHE is the right one.
We always could and did talk about everything in our relationship.
Since she keeps having the doubts she can’t open up to me.
She talked to her best friend, mother, sister, father, about it before she could tell me her doubts.
I am currently thinking a lot and read about how I can save the relationship, and the question arises for me what I can do and should I do.
Should I point her to such texts (which by the way is also great for men) and draw her attention to studies where you read again and again that doubt is quite normal and can also be good.
From her point of view she needs time for herself but I think it doesn’t make it better but worse because in my first relationship I was the one who always doubted and when you are alone you have even more time to think yourself into your spiral. Maybe the opinion of the ladies of the round will help me. THANK YOU
Reply 12. December 2019
my view on this:
You can’t change her, only yourself. The more you try to save something, the more you disguise yourself and then you are not the man she once fell in love with.
Yes, and everyday life moves into relationships and it is your job to counteract it. Doubting the relationship, however, I feel something different than boredom in a relationship.
The question with her is of course, what exactly she doubts and where these doubts come from. I think it’s great that she told you this in the first place. Now it is up to you to look at your fears about it.
Just try to be yourself and get your issues straight. Ask yourself the question: What is your hidden advantage in having a doubting girlfriend??
This is now all rather sweeping, since I have no further info. Feel free to contact me if you want to go deep into the topic.
Reply 18. February 2020
i think i suffer from commitment anxiety. I was with my husband for 16 years (since I was 19). year of life), and broke up with him 3 years ago. AUs a result of our marriage there are 2 sons, today 7 and 5 years old (unfortunately I have a lot of trouble with my ex-husband, which is quite annoying). I broke up with full conviction, because we had really big problems, so the breakup I do not regret. However, every now and then I catch myself thinking "what else could I have possibly done"…. Whereby I am aware that I could not do anything more, because my feelings were no longer there. I told my husband years before the breakup that we should do couples therapy, but he never wanted to.
I met an "old" love again shortly after the breakup, we were together, everything fit so far, but when it became too "tight" for me, I separated. Now I have been in a relationship again for 7 months. And I feel the same way right now. He already knows my kids (we spend a day with the kids from time to time), but I feel like I have real problems letting a man into my life. Maybe I am afraid of the children’s reactions?
I am really insecure, afraid that the children can not cope with the situation…… u.s.w.
Maybe I am afraid for this reason too, because I put myself under pressure bzgl. the children. I don’t want to introduce someone new to my children all the time.
Maybe you have a tip for me& Many greetings and thank you!
Reply 20. February 2020
I can only advise you to give space to the feelings that show themselves again and again – and for you in peace.
They lead you to the blocks you have built up (probably already in your childhood) somewhere in your subconscious mind. If you can’t get there yourself, find someone to guide you through the process and hold your space safely.
EVERYTHING that happens in our lives we create for a reason. Your relationships show you your inner patterns and you are the only one who can change them.
I hope this helps you! Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Reply 4. April 2020
I have separated from my boyfriend. We were together for 4,5 years and lived together for 3,5 years. Now I have my own apartment for a week. It feels right on one side and wrong on the other. I have the feeling that I can’t enjoy it without my partner. I also had doubts about the relationship, but we always talked about it. Until I broke up with him quite suddenly. Now I ask myself if I have not broken up too soon, although we have been trying to save the relationship for a long time. Do I really miss him already or is it just the security/ safety I had and need at times like now even more than ever before?? (Corona]. How do you know if it is still worth to fight? I talk to friends about it and some say that if you love each other, it would be easier than with us. I know love isn’t easy and part of me would like to try again, but I’m afraid I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.
Reply 5. April 2020
these are probably all questions that only you can answer for yourself.
I would take my time and feel deeply what is behind it. The answers to your questions are all within you.
All the best and much clarity!
Reply 7. May 2020
I have big doubts about my relationship. We have been together for 1 year and have opened a restaurant, which is currently closed. We sit on each other 7/24 hours. He sleeps all day or plays on the TV.
He does not do anything with me anymore. We only argue about the restaurant. He does not listen to me. As soon as I start to say something or address something, he interrupts me immediately and then knows everything better and so it has to be done then.
If I say something in response, it ends in a quarrel. So most of the time I swallow everything because I can’t fight it anyway.
On the one hand I really don’t feel like it anymore, on the other hand I’m really scared for the place and everything that’s attached to it.
He tells me 100 times a day that he loves me, but it’s getting on my nerves.
What should I do?
Thanks. Love greetings
Reply 23. May 2020
get out of the victim role and into responsibility.
What triggers your partner with you? Which shadow sides he shows you? Where does he mirror you?..
Solve your issues, then everything else will come up automatically.
This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but for me the only way to be happy in the long run.
Reply 18. May 2020
I am very desperate right now. My fiance is a dream of a man. He gives me flowers, takes care of the household, cooks, is a great dad and always makes sure that I’m well. All the more I don’t understand my thoughts and feelings… I can’t stand it when he does something for himself for once. When he has free time and I work he plays Playstation or reads soccer stuff. This sometimes makes me so angry that I ignore him or snap at him unnecessarily. An example. He went to work this morning and bought a magazine about soccer and wrote this to me. I almost exploded inside, I would prefer not to write him back. Why do I do this? Is it because of my bad childhood? Because I have not been heeded? This pattern repeats itself in every relationship I have. I don’t want to be like that and for me it is actually also completely logical that it is important for him to take care of his own interests. I am incapable of relationship? Do I need therapy? He does not deserve this!
This probably sounds ridiculous to many, but I am trying to change and find the reason for my feelings.
Reply 23. May 2020
I don’t find it ridiculous at all :-). I have seen and experienced too much for that.
Everybody is basically capable of relationships, including you! Whether you need a therapy, I can not judge. I for myself have chosen other alternatives for my issues. Just trust your feelings about what is right for you.
Basically, you are on the right track by looking for the root of your feelings. Of course I can’t tell you in this way what the reason for this is. My experience is already that very much results from the experiences of our childhood.
Feel free to contact me if you want to work on this with me.
Reply 21. May 2020
Thank you for your contribution!
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and slowly it’s going towards engagement, moving in together etc. Now I have fallen into the doubt trap after a phase accompanied by anxiety disorders. I suddenly ask myself every day if he’s the right one, if I’m sure I can make my life with him and I should commit myself. In addition, I have the problem that I am very attached to my parents (I still live at home) and I am scared to death to be away from them. I feel like I’m constantly looking for faults from my partner that keep me from taking the next step. Also, I can rarely relax when I’m with him because my mind is racing. I know that I love my partner but my doubts tell me "but this and this is stupid, this can’t work out. You would rather have it "this way and that way" (I am a very perfectionistic person) – although it worked for 6 years. Yet my head tells me "if this was the right relationship, you wouldn’t have any doubts- then everything would be easier". What do you think about this ?
Reply 23. May 2020
I don’t know how old you are, that makes a difference for me. In general I think that it is worth to look one step deeper. Why are you so attached to your parents? What are the real causes of your doubts? ..
Reply 3. June 2020
Is there a possibility to write with you privately without costs? I can understand if not.
Do you have any other tips? I have tried not to think about it and to think about the positive. But it feels like I am convincing myself and sometimes degenerates into heart palpitations because then I think too much and a quiet "what if not" hangs along. My relationship is at the beginning and going well so there is really no reason to panic. I am 20 and I still have my life ahead of me. But somehow my past takes me away and I can’t get rid of the fear and doubt
… That’s why I always think so much, to check if my inner self wants to tell me he’s not… Although it’s unnecessarily early to ask myself that. Somehow I still have the girlish idea of love… Where you just know he is it and lives happily ever after. I am still struggling to let go of this and face reality. I wish there was a sign of fate that tells me yes, that’s him, because unfortunately I know how you can feel less for someone or. No longer want to be together after 3 years and that has taken me very much until today. I don’t want to fall in love and then realize nope he’s not. And so I’m stuck in fears, doubting if I’ll find something better… At least I can say that it’s already better in this relationship than in the last one
.. Especially because I can have contact in person (before that it was a long distance relationship) and I don’t feel the doubts with him… Don’t have to think about it like that.
So if you have any opinion or extra tips. I am really despairing of how to deal with myself, because I am aware of what the problem is with me.
Reply 5. June 2020
I want to be completely open. I don’t feel that writing to each other would do any good.
I can only advise you to look for a coach or something similar who will look at your fears and doubts with you. Your relationships will probably only be different when you have really dissolved the patterns from your childhood and are at peace with yourself.
You should never go against yourself. You should look at what is the root of your problem, Only there you can change it in the long run.
Reply 6. July 2020
Doubts about the relationship – Every person who lives in a relationship knows doubts. "Should I stay with my partner", "Is it the right partner for me??", "Wouldn’t it be better to separate??". These are questions that people sometimes ask themselves when they are unhappy with their situation. This is the case when the harmony in this partnership is disturbed, it does not run smoothly. Maybe one is annoyed because the other behaves completely different than expected. Suddenly a man or woman doubts the relationship in general. Also to us as a couple of many years, this has happened again and again.
Decisive for this is often the everyday life, which can strike hard as a rock. The stress then becomes a burden on life. In such situations, we as partners often can no longer distinguish where the problems really come from. Often it is then the own life companion or the life companion, who are made responsible for everything possible. The great feelings from the early days, when couples perceive each other through rose-colored glasses, have disappeared. Suddenly I see the negative sides of the other person.
The tasks of life, problems and challenges, can be so massive that people don’t even perceive themselves anymore. The pressure on them from the outside is too great. Not to mention your own partner. People can only dream of beautiful moments with each other on bad days.
But that is what makes a good relationship: Mastering problems and crises together and not losing sight of each other in the process, or even seeing the other person as the adversary or the cause of the problem. Being strong together as a couple means sticking together on bad days and not blaming each other. Finding a solution together, encouraging the other person – these are things that bring a couple forward.
Of course, there are always challenging situations that people in a relationship have to master. For example, if one of them cheated and put the trust of the other at risk, or if there was no mutual respect for each other. Some people go so far as to badmouth their own partner in front of outsiders, to call him names or to drag him through the mud. If this happens, then something is no longer right. These are reasons that may speak for a separation.
Reply 6. July 2020
I have only been dating a man for a few months, before that I had a narcissistic partner. During the time I was separated, I had to learn a lot about myself and find myself. After only two months I have met my current partner.
I have such a mess of emotions and always feel like it doesn’t fit after all. Although nothing bad has happened, except for some bitching every now and then. Which is normal. I would love to turn off my inner voice. Because I think too often about our relationship. Would you have a tip for me?
What you wrote also found very interesting and could read it again and again.
You never get enough of the tips and you never stop learning.
Reply 7. July 2020
I would never give a tip to turn off the inner voice. It is very valuable. What is important, however, is to turn off the mind sometimes.
Basically I can only give you the tip to deal with the things that show up and look at them. And not just superficially, but in depth. Bring clarity to your emotional chaos and listen to your feelings. They have important info for you.
Reply 29. July 2020
I recognize myself so :-/ I have only recently nen beautiful marriage proposal received, which I also initially accepted beaming with joy. Now the doubts and fears are just huge. After a bad panic attack, in which I was sure that I have to separate, I decided to do a therapy. I can really only recommend this to everyone. You get a different perspective on the doubts and fears. My appeal to you, please get help before you possibly end a great relationship because of yourself. Thanks for the post!
Reply 3. August 2020
Thanks for your comment!
I can only confirm. When women come to me for coaching because of their doubts, there are always other issues that have nothing to do with the relationship at all. If these are clarified, there are also no more doubts about the relationship, but clarity about what they really want.
Reply 4. August 2020
this article simply speaks from my soul. We are a very young couple have been together for 3 years and have been living together for 1 year. In itself it works, but I am very often in doubt, because I have the feeling we live very apart. Through the everyday life (work) I think from both sides not much closeness is needed or wanted. Any tips on how I can move forward? Or is there rather a separation right?
Reply 30. August 2020
there are countless ways to address your concerns.
In general I can tell you that the topic of everyday life plays a role in very many relationships. You can only actively approach and change this. With a new relationship it would probably be the same problem after a while…
Only you can answer whether a separation is right or not. Very often when we break up we run away from ourselves. I would look at that properly first if I were you.
Reply 13. September 2020
Hello, I am in a quandary…I love my girlfriend very much but I have doubts every few weeks that she loves me. She doesn’t show it the way I show it or she can’t show it or tell me that she really does. I always feel like she just lets it go and doesn’t care if I’m there or not. This feels horrible and I want so much a future with her! But I can’t stop questioning that. She always says that if I didn’t feel anything you wouldn’t be here and she feels constricted. I have already turned it off but I am a man who wants that I am also worth something for my partner and that I myself have the feeling to have arrived, that I am good enough for her…what can I do?? I know I should stop thinking about it but I’m honestly afraid of losing it because for me it’s what I was looking for! Thanks for the answer in advance
Reply 14. September 2020
everything that happens in our life is a creation of ourselves. Also your current situation reflects your inner self. She triggers things about you that you may look at.
Do you love yourself? Do you yourself think that you are a partner a woman should stay with? Do you have any feelings in you?. a belief system like z.B., that the people you love will leave you? ..
Dealing with yourself is the key to changing your situation for the long term.
I really hope you can do something with it.
Reply 8. October 2020
Hello, thank you for the article. I am also in a quandary… Me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 years now. We got together very young (at the age of 14) and have been living together for 5 years. In principle everything is going well in our life together and I like him very much. However, since one year I have strong doubts whether it still "makes sense" to continue the relationship although it is going well, because I have the feeling to have "fallen out of love". As I said, I like him a lot but I think the real feeling of love is gone. According to my friends and parents this feeling is normal because we got together very early and we were each our first real relationship. I somehow do not know what I can do against the doubts. On the one hand I like to live with my boyfriend because we complement each other and he is my best friend. On the other hand, I think about what it would be like to live alone, meet other men and just be "free". I am also afraid that I will make a big mistake if I separate and that would hurt him very much. He is also a bit mentally unstable and therefore I am a bit afraid (especially now in the Corona situation) that he will get much worse again.
What might also be interesting is that every time my boyfriend talks about marriage, children etc I get palpitations, a high pulse and panic, while he doesn’t mind. He is rather hurt that I feel this way.
By the way, his opinion is "as long as we love each other, it fits". And what fits in principle should not be overthought and doubted".
Would you have a tip on how to go forward? Rather give in to the urge for freedom or continue the relationship?
Thanks in advance! LG Hanna
Reply 14. October 2020
I can feel very well how it is for you. I got together with my boyfriend at the age of 16 and after a relationship of 9.5 years I was faced with this decision.
I can only advise you in general: Listen to your heart and be radically honest with yourself.
Often there are more than just these two solutions. This requires creativity and thinking outside the box.
No decision is always a decision, but that usually does us no good, because we do not clearly stand for something.
I have had sessions (just recently) that have been about this very topic. I have offered this exceptionally as a single lesson. Feel free to contact me if you would like to have support in finding clarity.
Reply 2. February 2021
I feel the same way. We don’t live together at the moment, but he is almost always with me (in my quite small apartment).
We want to move in together. I have wanted to do this for a long time, but now that my contract is up and we are looking, the doubts come with heart palpitations.
We have also been together for a long time but a little older. Shortly before 30, so I am also concerned about family planning. Should he become the father of my children? Want to take this next step in life with him?
I want to be fair to him and not start something that I’m going to break off.
My problem is, I want to want it. This confuses me very much. I also had strong doubts at the beginning of the relationship and in between thought very often about whether it fits or not.
I’m afraid that moving in together as of today would not have my firm conviction. But the time would fit very well and he wants it very much. I also thought I would want it….
Reply 8. February 2021
Hello dear Natalie,
I have been with my partner for almost 6 months now. We got together relatively quickly after the end of my last relationship. It’s all been great, he’s given me what I was missing so much about my ex. I have finally felt like I have arrived(which I haven’t felt in a long time). He almost lives with me now. So not signed up, but still there every day and night.
I am (unfortunately) a very thoughtful person. I am starting to wonder if he is the one for me. There are now more and more minor arguments arising. Example: When something is bothering me, I am not in a good mood and need time to myself. I would love to spend an evening alone again and do what I want to do. Unfortunately, the current Corona situation doesn’t allow that either… He can’t understand that at all and then starts "reacting defiantly". I have explained this to him many times as well. But right now I am at a point where I am questioning everything. The partnership, I look at him and I’m not as attracted to him as I was in the beginning (preface: he wasn’t my type visually at all either). But still we have such great days and moments anden I can forget everything.
I don’t know what is going on or what I should do. Our relationship is very cool right now and I can’t put my finger on what it is that makes me pull away so much now. This insecurity is driving me very crazy at the moment&
(Sorry for the jumbled text :))
Reply 9. February 2021
deal with yourself and arrive at yourself. Everything is inside you and there you will also find the answers you are looking for.
And yes, it’s not that easy, because very few of us have learned to really feel and be in touch with ourselves.
Be worth it to get support.
When you have the clarity within you, it is much easier to make decisions and set boundaries.
Feel free to contact me if there is anything I can do for you.
Reply 15. March 2021
First of all, I really love what you’re doing here and how you support people!
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and am 21 years old. I am actually very happy with my boyfriend we can always talk about everything and do a lot together. We don’t see each other 24/7 because he is studying in another city.
About 3 months ago I had a phase in which I had such a small low and to distract myself I planned a Thailand trip for sometime in the future. I came across a video in which a girl told that she had traveled to Thailand with her then long-term relationship. Meditated a lot there and also met another man. In that time she realized that she gets along great with her boyfriend but that they are only together out of habit and how hard that was for both of them because they actually had no real problems.
After I watched the video my world kind of collapsed and now I have huge doubts about my relationship and I keep imagining the situation when I break up with him, how he feels, how he cries and how I hurt him so much. I have also talked to him about it and we definitely want to try to save the relationship but my feeling all the time in my head makes me think about a breakup. But I don’t really want to break up. I know that I am still young and that a lot will happen in my life but it doesn’t feel right to end the relationship now because there is no reason to do so except for these doubts that were there from one day to the next and now won’t go away.
I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know what the feelings mean and I don’t know how to figure it out. The only thing I know is that I don’t really want to end the relationship.
Reply 8. May 2021
Thank you for sharing!
All the love for you.
Reply 21. May 2021
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now. We had times when everything was good and then there were times when I had strong doubts but never talked to him about it. There were some things in our relationship that bothered me, but I also discussed them with him. He has a lot of problems to express and show his feelings. But for me this is incredibly important because I already had a parent at home who always had problems with this kind of thing and I don’t want to do something like that to my future children. He couldn’t really talk to me about problems and I couldn’t really come to him with my problems. Now I have spent a lot of time with a good friend in the last few months and to top it all off I have fallen in love with him. Of course I don’t know how to go on now. I talked to my boyfriend last week and told him that I am just not happy anymore and my feelings are not there like they should be. I didn’t tell you about the feelings for the good friend, because it shouldn’t really matter to me. We have agreed that we give each other another chance and he tries to work on himself. I also really want to give him the chance, but it is just psychologically incredibly grueling and I think unfortunately again and again the good friend of whom I know that he also has feelings for me. I can’t get out of the thought carousel if it was the right decision to give us another chance. On the other hand, I’m afraid that I’m subconsciously just ending the relationship because I have feelings for someone else.
Sorry for this long text, but actually it’s good to get all the frustration off my chest. &
Reply 10. July 2021
I just started dating my boyfriend (2-3 months) who I met again after 16 years. We have met at that time but it did not become more out of it, had then lost in the sand because of training, Abi etc. Now we have found each other again and met and it has sparked with us both. We have the same way of thinking about the future, we both have both feet on the ground, we both have our income and we both live only 20 km apart. Both his and my past have not been easy as far as relationships are concerned, we have both suffered and gone through a lot. The whole weeks went great and everything was beautiful and I was really happy for a long time and could hardly believe it, I thought I had finally arrived. But the last 1-2 weeks we had more and more fights, rather small things (and also unimportant things which I see in retrospect and also regret that it came so) until it was about. one week came to the bang. We have talked and I thought we get this done, but the days after he has withdrawn more and more and finally meant he does not want to leave me hanging in the air, he could not tell me whether he wants to continue a relationship or not. The point is that he is so afraid of the past as far as his ex is concerned (he gave her countless chances but it didn’t get any better but in the end very unpleasant) that he is afraid it could be the same for us. He doesn’t want to go through this pain and everything again, that’s why he can’t leave us or his friends behind. don’t give me a chance. He says it all feels like dejà vu, the pain and especially the fear are back, he can’t give me a chance even though he knows it’s not fair to me. We have now agreed on a time out / separation for a while, he promised me he would think about it again thoroughly, but could not promise me until when and whether there is a chance. Now of course I’m on pins and needles but I’m still up in the air because I don’t know if there’s still a chance or not. I have to say that I now have the dejà vu, because I have been through this twice before and each time it did not end well. I don’t know how to prove and show him that he doesn’t have to be afraid and that I am not like his ex. I leave him now for the time being his time for himself, but forever I also do not want to wait, I just do not know how much time a person needs and whether I can not do something or say that he trusts me a little bit and comes to meet, at least the fear can overcome something. I love this man and am happy with him and have shown him that I want this with us and especially him, that I am fighting for it because I do not want to and can not just throw it away. But I despair and don’t know what to do, the (waiting) is really driving me crazy and very down. Do you have any advice for me, how I can take this fear (a little) away from him???
Reply 12. July 2021
You can not take this fear away from him. It is his and he alone decides about his feelings and how much he can/will trust.
He has this "wound" and it is his job to heal it.
What you can do in my eyes is to tell him clearly where you stand, what you are ready for (please don’t give up on yourself here) and also what your limits are.
What else you can do, is to deal with your feelings and "wounds. You could look at z.B. ask the question, what is your hidden advantage to be in such a situation again?. What do you show yourself? Feel your feelings..
(I am convinced that our reality is always a mirror of our inner self and especially things that happen repeatedly show us that we still have an old issue there).)
Even if we don’t like to hear it, we create everything that happens in our lives ourselves.
Reply 13. July 2021
thank you for the words, even though I know that only he can make the decision and must want that for himself, it is hard to just "just" stand there and watch and wait.
I have made it clear to him where I stand and what I am willing to do, I have even suggested that we look for a professional conversation together to work through both our pasts, for ourselves but also for the partner. He is not that enthusiastic about it, he thinks we would only be together for a few weeks instead of years. But I think that you should fight for it anyway. Can’t and don’t throw anything away directly. Because nobody was lied to or cheated, there were no bad words or something like that. There are always difficult times, you have to go through them and that’s what brings us together as a team. I would like to prove and show him or tell him that it is worth it to try (further)).
How is that meant by the "hidden advantage"? Being in this situation again is oppressive, I’m afraid that this time it won’t end well either and yes maybe it blocks me from seeing clearly, but maybe I’m just too afraid that I’ll be left with a broken heart and all the feelings and shattered wishes and hopes. That it is again a pain that I have to feel and did not choose.
Thanks already for the help.
Reply 16. July 2021
this question may sound strange to you, but what do you love to wait for?? At the first moment you will say "nothing", but dare to go deeper.
Face your fears and your pain. As long as these old patterns and wounds are not healed, you will keep pulling situations into your theme that will trigger this.
I can only recommend you to seek support on your own as well if he doesn’t feel like it. I have experienced so often that our environment automatically changes and suddenly something happens in relationships, although we "only" worked with us alone.
Reply 7. January 2022
Thank you for the great article. I am very reassured that doubts are probably nothing unusual.
I was with my ex-partner for 10 years and we have a daughter together. In time, it became clear that he could not quite identify with family life and longed more and more for freedom. At the same time he loved us, which put him in an emotional quandary. Talking about feelings and needs was very difficult for him, so we couldn’t actively change anything either. His way out was finally drugs and a 6 affair, so that I had no choice but to separate. It was a decision of reason and not of the heart. It was traumatic and I never really mourned and moved on very quickly. I met someone who just caught me at the beginning. But that turned into more and we have been together for 1.5 years now. He is completely different from my partner before and embodies exactly what I have always longed for. Openness, honesty, passion, positivity…
I have never felt so loved and he is wonderful in every way. He also gets along very well with my daughter and wants us to become a family of our own, expand it and live our lives together.
Actually, everything was wonderful, but after a year, I was like stopped and suddenly could not sleep next to him and wanted to be alone rather than with him. Everything just happened too fast for me and I got stuck. We then had a break and then got ourselves together again. Since then I am very ambivalent, but he always catches me again. It feels like a piece of the puzzle is missing.
Sometimes I only manage to be on the heart and not too much on the understood, to fully engage with him, then it’s like someone has put in the missing part of a machine and it works and runs. Then I am happy and make plans. But then it is gone again and pulls me into a deep hole, then come the doubts and I become very sad. I don’t know then if this fits and I’m either a) not ready or b) it just doesn’t fit.
How are started so differently in the relationship. For him I am the dream woman with whom he wants to experience everything, move in together, get married, have his own children. But I already had all that and I am very sad about the failure of this family and I don’t know if I want another child either. On the one hand it’s a chance to have another family experience, but it also means giving up my freedom to eventually feel stuck again, that you’re not enough.
Why is the puzzle piece missing? Because he is not the right one or because I am not ready yet? If I let him go, what’s to come when it’s actually so perfect and we’re such a great team?? What if I make a huge mistake then? I hover and do not arrive and hurt him by my ambivalent and reserved behavior. I drive with the handbrake and that is very frustrating for him and for me. I would like to be straight with my feelings and thoughts and arrive somewhere again. But I do not know the steps to get there. Dear Natalie, do you have a tip for me??
Reply 10. January 2022
everything we experience is a mirror of our inner self. The more you look honestly, the more answers you will find. Sometimes it also needs support from the outside.
The questions you ask yourself are very top-heavy. Dare to go into your heart. Also, I find it more constricting than liberating. Instead of "why…", try "how will it be possible that…".
All love Natalie