At first the world was rosy with your new partner, but sometimes he is a complete stranger to you. If he is carrying around an old trauma?
You’ve come to know your new love as caring, loving, and understanding, and you feel secure in your new relationship. But more and more often doubts arise – is there something you don’t know?
Certain behaviors may be clues that your partner has been hurt in the past and is trapped in unprocessed trauma.
Legacy issues in the new relationship
Secrets, vague assumptions and taboo subjects can put a lot of strain on a relationship.
Sometimes they make life hell because you just don’t understand your partner and keep accidentally stirring up the hornet’s nest.
The following signs may be warning signs that may indicate hidden trauma:
1. The past is taboo
Those who have experienced something very painful, such as the early loss of a parent or abuse, often don’t like to talk about times past and have trouble trusting others.
It can take a long time and a lot of patience for someone with such old injuries to trust you and truly open up.
2. Cracked self-confidence
Your partner doesn’t think they’re worth anything and don’t deserve you, plus they often compare themselves to others. A traumatic experience may have made him feel so small. If you believe in your relationship, teach him to admit your love and to love you.
Does your partner seem distant towards you or reluctant to meet new people? This may be because there is a deep distrust in him and he automatically suspects the worst – that someone wants to harm and hurt him again.
4. Perpetual tension
This nervousness, which stems from his bad experiences, often lasts for a long time, even when the dangerous situation is long over. The pain experienced just won’t go away.
Strangers or confusing situations that cannot be controlled simply scare him. You may be able to restore his faith in humanity to some extent.
Those who have been through bad things could theoretically be relieved – but often depression follows them like a shadow. Rediscovering trust and rediscovering your feelings – this is a big task that you often can’t do alone, and it can also overwhelm your partner.
Sometimes you can’t do it without professional help, such as talk therapy.
6. Preferably alone
Your partner prefers to be alone rather than with other people who can disappoint or hurt him. Loners sometimes carry an old trauma – however, it may well be that your partner is simply an introvert and has no problem at all.
Then you should just ask yourself if it bothers you and how well you really fit together.
People drink alcohol for different reasons: social drinking is fun and connects with others, but those who drink alone often want to forget and numb out. Can you make it clear to your partner that alcohol is not a solution and that the problems will be at least as big the next day??
Then it has a chance to change. As long as he doesn’t want to, however, there is little you can do.
8. No second chance
If your partner is very strict, does not show any understanding for mistakes and does not give anyone a second chance, then this can have to do with all the hurts. Those who hold grudges often want to protect themselves.
If you can gain his trust, hopefully his distrust will subside.
Can you heal a broken man?
Sometimes patience and love can work wonders, but in other cases all the love in the world isn’t enough.
If he’s amenable to it, support your partner in accepting help, such as from a therapist. But sometimes you should also think about yourself and your own happiness in life before you get wrapped up in a task that just can’t be done.
Then disconnecting, permanently or temporarily, may be best for you.