And suddenly nothing works. My head wants to and my body just stops like a petulant donkey – demonstrative evil eye included. I pull and tug, I beg and plead. One time I’m still trying to get into the rope with my last ounce of strength, but nope!
The word ‘ass’ is not chosen at random. Two years ago, I went on a trip to the Eifel with my family to go "donkey hiking," no joke. Slowing down and all that. It quickly became clear who had the upper hand here. I know what it means to give up control when I go for a walk. For two hours it is quite funny not to have any influence on tempo or pauses. But when I go home in the evening, I would like to have them back, please.
I know what it means to relinquish control. For two hours it is quite funny. But when I go home in the evening, I would like to have it back, please.
Well. I no longer understand the world. In the past, everything worked out with a good portion of self-discipline and ambition! A little effort, a little effort and something good came out of it.
And now? Now beliefs bang on an organism on strike. Because that’s how it actually feels: As if my body has cancelled its cooperation contract.
I feel not only a little punished and betrayed. I am offended. Call him names and his weaknesses.
"Where there’s a will, there’s a way." – YES, MY ASS!
Suddenly there’s a lot of anger. Red and hot and wild. Only: Where to put all this bubbling energy when you don’t have the strength to direct it in a certain direction??
Where to put all this bubbling energy when there is no power to direct it in a particular direction?
In my helplessness something else slips in between. With a great roar, panic rolls through my mind, leaving me with thoughts buzzing and heart pounding in my stomach.
How am I supposed to write the script for the graduation film now? What about the internship in summer? Why I never feel refreshed after waking up? What the fuck is happening?
And as if that wasn’t enough of an emotional apocalypse, there’s now something else as well. It sticks to me like old chewing gum under my shoe that you just can’t get rid of and you feel under your sole with every step you take. You are weak and worthless, whispers the shame in my ear. What can you do? Everybody is getting their life together, so why do you need extra sausage again?
What can you actually do? Everybody gets their life together, so why do you need an extra sausage again??
Actually I don’t have to wonder. All those years I built my self on my achievements and successes. Who am I, if not what I do and create?
Yes, that’s what I asked myself at some point, when I stopped doing things in my everyday life and, as a logical consequence, I didn’t get the results I was used to. When suddenly cooking becomes the highlight of the day or the highest of feelings occurs when I make it into the forest with the dog to poop, then old definitions are briefly but painfully put on trial.
Recently my friend asked me what my greatest success in life has been so far. Basic stuff you ask when you meet on the couch in the evening.
What actually is success? Apart from this huge inflationary used term.
Well, there I sat and thought about it for quite a long time. What actually is success? Apart from this huge inflationary used term.
I could have listed my A-levels or my studies. Typical academic milestones, for which grandma used to give me 20 euros with a wink. The first time a text of mine has been published. Or the survival of my year abroad in the 11. Great.
And what did I answer?
"Once I said no and shat on the expectations of others."
Whoops! I was minimally perplexed myself for a moment. Sounds insanely banal already, but really didn’t feel bad at all. Please more of it!
In the meantime, I still feel like I’m standing on the sidelines – more of a spectator than a participant.
Meanwhile I’m still standing on the sidelines – more spectator than participant.
But that’s okay. I am now using the newly won freedom to really deal with myself (or at least to pretend to do so). I have enough time. This works sometimes more, sometimes less well, but the fact is: When your health goes down the drain, you quickly feel confronted with the question of what really counts.
And suddenly it is very easy to separate the wheat from the chaff, to distinguish the important from the unimportant. Reminding myself and gently adjusting my course or even realigning it – that’s what matters right now. And that makes a lot of desire for tomorrow.
Header photo: Joseph Rosales via Unsplash.com. ("Truth-or-Light"-button added, image mirrored.) Thanks for this.
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on the contrary
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